Psychologists Tell Healf Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Why should a restrictive mindset hold you back in 2025? Surely restrictive mindsets are the very thing we want to let go of in order to open avenues rich in possibility for the new year that lies ahead.

But tell that to the mainstream media, a narrative very much focused on “stopping” this or “not” doing… enjoying… or consuming that. “Just stop,” they say. It’s that easy, right?

Enter Dr Rel Friedman, a psychologist based in New York, who shares a different perspective.

I caught up with her to unpack how the appeal of New Year’s resolutions initially hit us, followed by the inevitable pitfalls, and what a healthier approach might look like.

Q: Why do people set New Year's resolutions?

Dr Rel:

“There can be something very organizing about a New Year's resolution. I think many people see the New Year as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and make changes in their lives. 

Additionally, there is a collective action component, people see others making these declarations of intended change and it can feel really good to feel a part of something bigger, like something it feels like everyone is doing!”

As much as New Year's resolutions are set around the self, the culture around them seems to have become a collective effort, a ritual of sorts. It’s as if the calendar shift gives permission for a psychological reset. Which, perhaps, isn't necessarily a bad thing. But while the appeal of resolutions is clear, this is where their outcomes often fall short. The more public they are, the more pressure they can bring upon a person. Resolutions risk becoming hollow proclamations, tarnished with shame when they fail to deliver.

Dr Friedman acknowledges the value of intention setting, as a cornerstone of mindfulness and committed action.

Q: Is the tradition of New Year’s resolutions a healthy or a harmful one?

Dr Rel: “It depends. The approach and desired outcome impact how healthy the strategies we use to achieve those outcomes are.”

And yet, the method matters. “If resolutions are rooted in shame, judgement, or criticism, they can become harmful,” she cautions.

Take weight loss, for example. “If someone wants to ‘lose 10 pounds’, I’d want to explore that with them rather than supporting it blindly,” Dr Friedman says. With this very common resolution, along with a plethora of others, she encourages curiosity about the why behind such goals: “What would achieving that change look like? How do they imagine they’d feel? What’s motivating this desire?”

If the answer stems from self-loathing rather than self-love, the goal can be reframed. “There are more effective ways to feel good in your body than focusing on a number on the scale,” she adds.

Dr Friedman champions a gentler approach with the practice of affirmations.

Q: Why do you advocate affirmations over resolutions?

Dr Rel: “When we focus on the things we don’t like about ourselves, we feed self doubt and self criticism. When we focus on taking care of ourselves — giving our bodies and minds what we need to feel good — we feed self compassion.”

It might feel like a very simple, almost binary shift. But, instead of resolutions that punish and restrict, it does seem like a friendlier and free flowing alternative. Affirmations, if practised effectively, ask us to nourish and respond to our needs.

Example:
Instead of “I’m going to lose weight” — try “I will tune into what my body is telling me about its needs, like rest or hunger, and actively thank it for all it does for me.”

This way, it’s clear that affirmations focus on what’s working and what’s needed, rather than what’s lacking. And this subtle reframing can make all the difference. After all, who would rather a punishment than a reward?

Going back to the earlier quote from Dr Hayley Trower: “Surface-level goals rarely stick because they overlook the emotional and subconscious patterns underpinning our actions”,she explains.

“If you want to make more meaningful and longer lasting changes, you need to focus on changing the subconscious patterns and emotional blocks that hold you back.”

So, how do you stop reacting to the pressure of the new year and start responding to your deeper needs?

It starts with compassion, not criticism — with growth, not fixing. Journalling, meditation, and kinder self-talk are simple but powerful tools for this shift. Instead of “fixing yourself”, what if you explored the idea of growth as something steady and non-punitive?

“Restricting or limiting ourselves is experienced by our minds and bodies as punishment,” she says. Dr Friedman hits on something essential here: deprivation feels like punishment, and that rarely leads to meaningful, lasting change.

On the other hand, compassion builds safety — the space needed to make changes that stick. By extending gentleness to yourself, you create the conditions for real transformation. You can think of it in the same way as parenting: shouting at a child rarely brings the best results. Encouragement and patience usually work a lot better.

Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment with rigid, unrealistic goals, consider the following steps:

5 ways to swap resolutions for compassionate change

1. Focus on self-awareness, not self-judgement. Journalling, meditating, and pausing to check in with yourself are more effective than a vague proclamation. Healf recommends the Weekly Love Planner —plan your days, nurture growth, and embrace intentional love.

2. Reframe your goals as affirmations. Rather than fixing what’s “wrong”, commit to honouring yourself and your needs in a more intuitive fashion.

3. Start small and sustainable. Extreme changes rarely last. Ask yourself: “What tiny, daily shifts feel realistic?”

4. Continue to ask why. Never stop asking. Explore the motivation behind your goals. Take note if they are coming from a place of shame or a desire for growth.

5. Celebrate and fully embrace progress, not perfection. Small steps forward are worth acknowledging and giving credit for taking you on your journey.

Dr Hayley Trower circles us back to the heart of the matter: resolutions fail when they don’t account for the subconscious and emotional blocks keeping us stuck.

“Meaningful and longer lasting changes come from connecting to your deeper needs and addressing these patterns directly,” she reminds us. But this isn’t about superficial fixes. Successful changes are more often than not rooted in care for the self rather than criticism.

New Year’s resolutions, while still (apparently) pretty popular, often miss the mark.

They focus on restriction, punishment, and superficial fixes. As we have learnt, from the insights from psychologists Dr Hayley Trower and Dr Rel Friedman, a more compassionate approach offers a more sustainable path for creating positive lasting change.