Why do we turn into children when we return to our family homes over the holidays?

Despite all the eating, drinking and being merry, Christmas can also be a time for mood swings, tantrums and the silent treatment. The worst part is that those teenage habits don’t come from your 14-year-old niece, but from you - an otherwise very together, independent grown-up.

This behaviour could be due to overdoing the eggnog, but likely it’s down to the psychological regression that occurs when we revisit our family home.

‘It is true that people may revert to earlier patterns of behaviour when in their childhood environments or surrounded by family,’ explains therapist Simon Davies from Living Well UK . ‘This phenomenon is closely linked to the way the brain encodes early experiences. Spending time in a place tied to your formative years, or with people who knew you during that time, can trigger unconscious cues that may lead you to slip back into behaviours or attitudes from your younger self.’ 

Maybe you lash out at your parents’ questions of genuine interest in a way you never would if your friends asked, or you can’t find any will to tidy up after yourself even though your own home is spic and span. What’s going on here?

1) Family dynamics 

You may slip back into moody teenager mode simply because your parents treat you like one.

‘Families often establish roles, such as the ‘responsible one’; or the ‘troublemaker’ and it can feel almost automatic to fall back into these roles, even when they no longer reflect who you are today,’ says Davies. ‘Depending on how much you identify with these roles, being labelled with them can feel comforting or frustrating.’

Given much of our growing up is done outside of our familial homes - for example, at university or when living alone - they likely haven’t seen your most grown-up side. Your family stereotyping you in your old role is probably not done to annoy you, but because it is their most vivid memory.

2) Coping mechanisms 

Returning to your childhood environment for the holidays can create a sense of dissonance, which can feel hard to process. The huge emotions you feel may not be regression, but a coping mechanism.

‘The brain processes memories through context, and a childhood home is often steeped in associations with earlier stages of your development. Engaging in adult responsibilities, like hosting Christmas dinner or managing family dynamics, in this setting can feel contradictory because it challenges those ingrained associations,’ says Davies.

‘It’s hard to reconcile who you are now with the symbols of who you used to be. For instance, stepping into the role of host or organiser in a home where you were once cared for as a child can amplify feelings of unease or nostalgia. This clash between past and present can feel destabilising, as the familiar surroundings evoke one version of yourself while the responsibilities of the present demand another.’

3) Traumatic experiences 

If you experienced a difficult childhood - or even a lovely childhood but with standout difficult events - being in your old environment may trigger you. Research has found that some PTSD symptoms don’t only occur in people who have experienced serious trauma but also in people who have been through any significant life event. Intrusive images, or ‘flashbacks’, can be triggered by rumination, feelings, people, places and words.

In short: formative bad memories may come to the forefront of your mind when exposed to the same people, places or events in which they first occurred - even if they weren’t textbook traumatic experiences. It might explain why your personality changes around certain family members, homes or times of year.

4) Age

We may think we’re too old to be moody, but research suggests we may not have grown out of throwing our toys out the pram. In a study from the Aging & Mental Healthjournal , young adults, aged 17-29, were much more likely to exhibit defence mechanisms like acting out and passive-aggression compared to older adults (aged 60 to 85).

The age at which people become ‘adults’ has long been contested, with the most recent research suggesting our brains don’t mature until we’re 25. Perhaps, if you fall into the younger category, you’re simply less mature-minded than you’d like to think. 

‘It’s entirely normal to feel a mix of emotions when surrounded by settings and dynamics from your past,’ reminds Davies. ‘Rather than trying to suppress these feelings, observe them without judgement and recognise them as a natural response to the unique interplay of memory, relationships, and the holiday season. Accepting your emotions can help reduce the resistance you may feel and enable you to approach the experience with more understanding.’

To be less reactive and more mature, it might help to bring some of your own grown-up life into your childhood environment, he suggests. ‘Consider adapting the space in small but meaningful ways. Bringing personal items or making small changes to your room can help align the environment with who you are now. Adjusting your physical surroundings can give you a greater sense of control and help you balance the past with the present,’ says Davies. That could be bringing a current partner or book, both of which can anchor you to the present day.

Then there’s every therapist's favourite solution: setting boundaries. ‘If certain conversations or interactions become overwhelming, give yourself permission to step away or redirect the discussion. Boundaries are not about creating distance but rather ensuring you can engage with family on terms that protect your emotional wellbeing,’ says Davies.

‘Finally, self-compassion is crucial. Family gatherings and holiday traditions often come with

heightened expectations, both from others and yourself. By showing yourself kindness and patience, you can navigate these moments with greater resilience and perspective.’