The Science Of Connection: Are We Oxytocin Deficient And Is Kissing Good For You?

In an age of filtered connection, where swipes and screens have replaced skin and soul, the humble kiss remains one of the most powerful tools we have for deepening intimacy and dissolving stress. Yet many of us aren’t kissing nearly enough - and science suggests that might be taking a toll not only on our relationships but on our emotional and physiological wellbeing too.

We live in a paradoxical era: more connected than ever digitally, yet often isolated physically. With fewer opportunities for real, embodied connection, are we becoming oxytocin-deficient as a society? The answer may lie in something as simple, and complex as a kiss.

What happens when we kiss?

To understand the power of a kiss, we first need to consider the architecture of the face: two humans coming into close proximity, activating sensory pathways embedded in some of our oldest, most primal behaviours. From nursing to speaking, the mouth is a site of deep emotional memory. “Kissing engages the anterior branch of the vagus nerve,” explains Boniface Verney-Carron, Osteopath and Body Psychologist, “which helps us co-regulate. It also taps into the posterior vagus, allowing a high centric release.”

This means kissing doesn’t just feel good - it actively shifts us out of fight-or-flight and into a place of physiological safety. The breath slows, heart rate settles, and blood pressure drops. When done with intention and presence, kissing is a direct route into parasympathetic calm.

The hormone of human connection

Kissing also triggers a cascade of neurochemical shifts, including the release of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins - the so-called “feel-good hormones.” Oxytocin, in particular, has been dubbed the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.” It enhances bonding, reduces anxiety, and modulates our stress response. Low levels of oxytocin have been linked to everything from depression to social disconnection.

But as Boniface points out, context is everything. “A six-second kiss following meaningful eye contact has been shown to lower cortisol significantly,” he says. “But a rushed peck without reciprocity? That might actually leave you more dysregulated than before.”

Similarly, this is why Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone," is released in high amounts during sex, particularly through touch, orgasm, and skin-to-skin contact. For women, this surge in oxytocin can create a strong sense of emotional bonding and attachment, due to its interplay with oestrogen and the limbic system - the brain’s emotional centre. Men also produce oxytocin, but the effects may be counterbalanced by higher levels of testosterone, which can dampen the bonding response. This hormonal difference helps explain why women are more likely to feel emotionally connected after sex, while men may not experience the same depth of attachment.

Kissing as a wellbeing practice?

Beyond its emotional value, kissing may carry measurable health benefits. One study from the Western Journal of Communication found that couples who kissed more frequently had lower cholesterol. Other research suggests that kissing can support immunity by exposing us to beneficial bacteria via the oral microbiome. “Life thrives on symbiosis,” Boniface says. “Our microbiomes are part of our compatibility. Swapping them, mindfully can make us more resilient.”

There’s even a case to be made for kissing as a form of facial fitness. “We use a wide range of muscles while kissing,” Boniface notes. “From smiling to tongue movement, it’s incredibly expressive. It keeps our facial muscles engaged in ways that speaking or eating do not.” Anti-ageing, mood-lifting, immune-boosting, who knew that something so instinctive could be so regenerative?

The decline of touch, and why it matters

Yet in today’s fast-paced, hyper-digital lives, kissing is in decline. Whether due to cultural shifts, stress, or sheer lack of time, many couples find themselves kissing less frequently than they’d like. The implications are profound. “Touch is foundational to our health,” says Boniface. “Kissing is one of the purest expressions of that. When we lose physical connection, we lose our capacity to co-regulate.”

That loss extends beyond relationships. In societies where affection is withheld or stigmatised, stress and loneliness rise. We become dysregulated, emotionally fatigued, and often, silently disconnected. “We need to kiss more and tell people we love that we love them,” Boniface says. “It’s not just emotional, it's physiological.”

Is there a ‘dose’ of kissing for optimal wellbeing?

While there’s no universal rule, frequency and intentionality do matter. Research shows that couples who kiss regularly tend to report higher relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy. “There’s no ideal dose,” says Boniface, “but my advice is to kiss whenever it feels appropriate with real presence. At least six seconds, minimum.”

He also stresses the importance of consent, especially in family dynamics. “My friend Chloé Macintosh, founder of Kama, speaks beautifully about teaching children to say no to affection when it doesn’t feel right. It makes the yes all the more meaningful. It’s about recalibrating how we relate to touch, from a place of authenticity.”

Kiss more, feel more

At its core, kissing is about embodiment. It reminds us that we are physical beings with emotional needs, living in relationship with others and the world around us. “Humans are animals,” says Boniface. “We are earth made conscious. And like all animals, we regulate through connection.”

The call to action here is simple: kiss more. Not out of duty, but out of desire. Let it be playful, sincere, clumsy, electric. Let it be what it always has been—a wordless reminder that you are alive, connected, and safe.

Because in a world that often moves too fast and asks us to numb, the kiss slows us down and makes us feel.

The Smell Compatibility Theory: Can You Sniff Out A Potential Partner?

Read more

Biohack Your Sex Life

Read more